Resolving Conflict.
My eldest child wants a phone.
She advocates quite zealously most days for this privilege. She does this despite our continued "no" based on numerous shared data points indicating social media is bad for children's mental health and actually impedes connection with friends.
Two nights ago, we were having another such discussion, this time her proposition was no phone but use the iPad to text her bff. The more we talked, the more and more frustrated she got despite my numerous attempts to hear her concerns and share additional data points with her.
I said, "sweetie, I know we don't agree. But I want to make sure you're being heard and understood. Do you feel that we are hearing you?"
"NO, MOM, I DON'T!! I GET THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE SAFE. BUT IT'S THAT YOU DON'T TRUST ME TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS!"
And then there was silence (or shall we say, a sacred pause).
"Oh, I see. It's that you want us to trust that you are going to make good decisions using a phone, even if your friends don't and strangers don't, and when we say you can't have a phone, you're upset because you think that means we don't trust you."
"YES!"
"And it is important to you that we trust you to make good decisions, because you are a good kid."
"YES!"
"Well, that makes complete sense."
After another pause, I got up, retrieved a piece of paper from the overflowing junk drawer, and proceeded to write down all the options we'd already generated and all the needs we each named (ironically, "trust" is still missing...oops).
It was only after my sweet child believed we'd understood her that she was able to really consider the options that might resolve our conflict and give her responses to them (i.e., after her amygdala stopped working overtime and her rational brain took over).
And last night as we were walking to the corner store, she said "Mom, I've been thinking. I can live with my texts to [insert bff's name here] not being completely private so long as I am able to text her," thus changing her "maybe" to a "yes" and our family finding resolution, at least for a little while.
We are attorneys who strive not just to help our clients navigate the legal complexities of their situation but to ensure they feel heard and understood along the way. If you are interested learning more about the collaborative process or mediation, call us at 336.724.4488 or email us at info@gondringlaw.com to schedule a consultation.
