The Truth about Children & Divorce
The reasons why couples stay together long after their hearts tell them their relationship has run its course are many.
Some are logistical: finances, family ties, convenience, commitment.
Some are deeply personal: nostalgia, a fear of failure, the hope that things will change, deeply rooted religious and cultural beliefs.
And, perhaps most often it is concern for the children that keeps people who would otherwise separate in their marriage.
In the book The Truth About Children and Divorce, Dr. Robert E. Emery outlines the ways in which parents can collaboratively discuss the process of marital dissolution with their children.
We especially like the chapter Talking to Children about Separation because it emphasizes the importance of a united front between parents, while breaking down age-appropriate verbiage and boundaries to keep children feeling safe and loved.
We find that many parents struggle to know what to tell their children and when.
Do we discuss why this is happening? How much detail is appropriate to share?
Should we start before their birthday so they can see it will be okay on their birthday or should we wait until after their birthday so they have one more “normal” one?
Do we ask their opinion on the custody schedule?
How do I balance answering honestly with answering age appropriately?
The answers sometimes often depend on the age, maturity, and temperament of the children.
And sometimes they don’t; there are some near universal sentiments that should be shared in every situation. For example: “…we both want you to know that we want you to keep loving your mom and your dad the way you always have, even though we are going to be living in different houses.”
This is but one of many helpful examples that Dr. Emery provides to help parents talk to their children about separation.
Even through separation, parents committed to remaining united, taking the emotional pressure off the children, and attending to their own emotional needs, can separate with dignity and thoughtfulness for the good of everyone involved.
Thankfully, separating spouses do not have to have all the answers on how the process works; in fact, they shouldn’t. The emotional undercurrents that weigh heavily during divorce are difficult enough to manage.
Let us help. We are here to empower you to have the hard conversations with your children (and each other) and are familiar with resources that will help you find the answers that will work for your family. As a colleague of mine says, divorce does not have to be a war.
Finding experts adept at supporting individuals and families through this change is something we value.
It takes a village.
