Acknowledging Pain.
We learn to navigate conflict at an early age. A few weeks ago, I witnessed an uncomfortable but truly impressive feat as my daughter and her best friend worked their way through pain and misunderstanding and emerged still best friends.
They’d been working on an art project in the garage most of the afternoon, painting a giant wooden cat barn (yes, you read that right) my dad and youngest daughter built together last fall. Apparently, Audrey didn’t like what her friend had painted on one side and so she repainted it. Unilaterally. No discussion. No explanation. Just did it without any thought for how that might land with her fellow artist.
And as you’ve probably guessed, her friend was really hurt. When her mom and I asked her why she was upset, her answer surprised me. She said that she was upset because she thought Audrey had painted over it on purpose in order to hurt her. Now, neither of the adults believed that this is why Audrey did it, yet neither of us corrected her.
Instead, we acknowledged that she was hurt and asked if she would be willing to share her feelings with Audrey. She was understandably reticent. With some assistance from the moms, she did eventually share with Audrey that she believed Audrey had painted over her painting in order to be mean.
I can tell you that when I was eight years old my response to such a statement is often defensive:
“That’s not true!”
”How could you believe that?”
“I would never do that!”
“It’s mean of YOU to think that about me!”
Instead, Audrey stood there listening to her friend, absorbing the information, and experiencing her own hurt related to the untrue accusation without ever getting {outwardly} defensive. I can’t pretend that it wasn’t simply a case of shell shock. But it got me to thinking about how quickly we dismiss someone’s pain because our gut reaction is to defend ourselves. Clear our name. Show that we’re right.
But what if instead we sat quietly and listened? What if we said “I’m sorry you’re hurting” first and recognized that we CAN be sorry someone is hurting even though we didn’t intend to cause that pain?
In our situation the girls worked through it by first listening to a hilarious story (laughter really can be the best medicine) and then running into the garage to work it out on their own, choosing to repaint it again, this time together.
As married adults, sometimes there are conflicts so big that partners must separate. They will not emerge as best friends. But they don’t have to be enemies. Perhaps they can divorce with dignity. Collaborative divorce and mediation are processes that promote respect, integrity, and dignity even when (especially when) you and your spouse disagree on hard things like the division of your property, how to cash flow two homes, or parenting time.
To learn more about the right divorce path for you, call us at 336.724.4488 or email us at kelley@gondringlaw.com.
