Why Collaborative?
Following a tremendously challenging year, when connection has taken on entirely new meaning and scheduling appointments can leave one choosing between being physically present or logging-on, coming together and connecting through divorce may seem counter-intuitive. The thought of sitting around a table with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and legal representation from both sides might induce a visceral reaction akin to a black widow confrontation. But fear not.
Divorce does not have to be as divisive or vengeful as it once did, and perhaps most importantly to many of us, children do not have to be the victims of ongoing litigation, nor the anger and resentment that can cause internalized trauma and years of negative thinking and shame. In fact, in their book, The Collaborative Way to Divorce, Stuart G. Webb and Ronald D. Ousky point out that “research now reveals that how a couple conducts themselves during a divorce has far greater impact on their children than the act of divorcing itself.” We’ve come a long way since the ‘80s.
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin famously decided to “consciously uncouple” in 2016, their new-age concept provided excellent material for at least a handful of late-night television bits. But perhaps they were onto something. While most of us don’t have unlimited access to money, health and happiness gurus, space to dream about magical healing crystals ending world hunger, or self-improvement at all costs, we do have access to a type of divorce process that provides respect to each individual, and allows for emotion, flexibility, and communication.
The practice of Collaborative Divorce uses the law as a guideline, while treating the people within that process with compassion and empathy. To begin to understand the Collaborative Divorce process entirely, however, it is helpful to become familiar with how traditional divorce works, and the ways in which the two differ.
Oftentimes, the dissolution of a marriage stems from a deep-seeded problem with communication, and generally one or both partners feels unheard and unseen. When it comes time to broach the topic of separation – though intentions may be admirable – the familiar patterns developed throughout the relationship now become even more pronounced, the battle becomes hard-fought, and the dysfunction more volatile. This type of communication breakdown can lead to stonewalling and a defiant sense of Right and Wrong. At this point, and understandably so, one partner seeks protection by hiring a legal representative who will “fight” on their behalf. The other partner is surprised with service (by a Sheriff’s deputy, perhaps) of the initial Complaint for Absolute Divorce and intimidating Summons, and this paves the way for the type of tit-for-tat, position-based exchanges that will take place for years to come.
During Collaborative Divorce, each partner is represented by a Collaboratively trained attorney, who uses interest-based negotiations to find solutions that meet their own clients’ needs as well as recognizing the needs of the other partner and their children.
In litigation, anxiety and fear too often drive the fight and these emotions perpetuate the fight. One person makes an accusation; the other person feels defensive and then goes on the offensive. More litigation ensues. Legal fees, stress, and anxiety increase. During the Collaborative Process, immediate problems are addressed at the outset and “there is a lot less pressure on you and your spouse and a lot more time spent identifying creative solutions that work best for you and your children.” As useful as the Court system can be in some circumstances, it doesn’t tend to be creative, and a one-sized-fits-all approach does not work for every family.
Once separation has become inevitable, moving forward might feel confusing. Webb & Ousky point out that the collaborative process stresses “cooperation over confrontation and resolution over revenge [and] helps the couple to maintain a sense of integrity and respect.” It also allows the couple to “avoid the lingering hostility and anger that are so common among divorced couples, and they stand a good chance of preserving what’s still positive in their relationship and their relationships with their children.”
If you are interested learning more about the collaborative process, call us at 336.724.4488 or email us at kelley@gondringlaw.com to schedule a consultation. We are here to help you navigate the complexities of your situation and empower you to choose the divorce path that is right for you.
